ashAfter a close encounter between two members of Oxford Arts Group and an extremely diligent security guard during a performance of ‘Pride and Prejudice’ in the European Art Gallery last night, we’ve been given a special preview of an article to be featured in the latest edition of Museum Security Guard Quarterly…

“..My word, the place was awash with chavs tonight. I was certainly kept on my toes. I personally averted a national disaster though my quick thinking. This lout was leaning up against the painting in my room as if it was a bus-stop.art I swooped down on him and got him out of there before any more damage was done. I suspect he was in league with that guy that defaced the Queen’s portrait recently. He disappeared immediately afterwards, so it’s obvious he was up to no good.

it was this close

it was this close

I put a warning out to my team over my radio about him, and he didn’t have a chance to launch his attack that night.

What? No, the painting will not need repairing. There were no scratches or smudges, probably because I acted so quickly. I mean, he was behaving like a horse rubbing against a scratching post. Some people! There was a woman there too, and even when I stood right in front of her and politely asked her to move forward, she just leaned further backwards!  I had to plant myself between her and the painting to protect it. She soon learned not to mess with me…

Pick on someone your own size

Pick on someone your own size

Only last week, a man was wandering around with his two children. They were running around, screaming and laughing, like all children, and then one of them actually touched the big statue in the atrium. Of course, the man did nothing to stop her. He probably lets them run wild everywhere. These statues have been preserved for hundreds of years, they have survived rain, wind, storm, countless wars – imagine if we just let children put their sticky paws all over them. A museum is no place for a child. Ever since Julia came up with the idea of ‘trails’ around the rooms, parents have been bringing their sprogs in droves.

Little man, what now?

Little man, what now?

It is such a waste. The children have no appreciation of the artifacts, all they do is try to find the rabbits or whatever else these trails suggest. What benefit is there in looking for rabbits? How will that teach them anything? If they want to play games, they should stay at home with their ibox.

The people that come through this museum sicken me. They always arrive in gangs, and wander around talking and laughing. I doubt if they even notice any of the artifacts. Most of them just do a perfunctory circuit before they head to the café to stuff their faces with cake. Often, they spend longer sitting there than they did in the display rooms.

Trail of Disaster

Trail of Disaster

Why is there a café in a museum anyway? This is a sacred place of knowledge, not a feeding trough for pigs. People need to feed their minds, not their bellies. They do enough of that already – Britain has been hit with an obesity epidemic. No wonder when our youth are allowed to spend so much time watching TV and spending time on that Facebook.

ibox thing

ibox thing

Sorry? What painter are you talking about? I don’t know who painted it. What difference does that make? You can see how important it is by the heavy gilt frame it has been given. Look, I don’t have time for this nonsense, I have to prepare for our brainstorming session tomorrow. The museum board is worried about the fall in attendance recently. I don’t know why they are surprised. People these days care not a jot for culture. You need to leave now. I’ll take that pen, thank you. Don’t even attempt to scrawl your name on the wall anywhere, I have my eyes on you. Now, get out…”

As reported to Orlaith Delaney. Captions c/o Neil Anderson

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